CRINGE.INC™ EMPLOYEE ONBOARDING PACKAGE STATUS: QUESTIONABLEFILE 001 / 2026
CRINGE.INC™← CLOCK OUT

CONFIDENTIAL / EMPLOYEE MATERIAL

WHAT’S
IN THE
BOX?!

Not just a shirt. A complete employee onboarding failure, packed and approved by absolutely no one.

OPEN FILE↘
Open Cringe.INC employee kit containing shirt, ID badge, stickers, warning, survival card, certificate and mint
FIG. 001 — COMPLETE EMPLOYEE ISSUE

INVENTORY / FORM 07-B

WHAT YOU’RE
STUCK WITH.

Seven physical reminders that you are now part of the Human Interaction Department.

01MANDATORY EMPLOYEE UNIFORM

THE SHIRT

Gevouwen alsof het een bedrijfsuniform is, inclusief off-white papieren uniformband.

  • Department: General Exhaustion
  • Employee Issue #001
  • Compliance Level: Questionable
02SIGNATURE GOODIE

EMPLOYEE ID CARD

Een echte plastic pas op creditcardformaat. Herkenbaar, verzamelbaar en klaar voor de employee portal.

  • Employee: Professional Overthinker
  • Department: Human Interaction
  • Clearance: Questionable
  • Social Battery: 2%
  • Valid Until: Next Breakdown
03APPROVED FOR OFFICE PROPERTY

STICKER SHEET

Zeven kleine corporate incidenten voor laptops, telefoons, waterflessen en kantoorbadges.

  • CRINGE.INC™
  • Certified Awkward™
  • Social Battery: 2%
  • Do Not Circle Back
  • Out of Office Mentally
  • ☒ Human Interaction
  • The awkward face
04FORM HR-09 / A5

OFFICIAL WRITTEN WARNING

Employee displayed insufficient enthusiasm during mandatory team activity.

  • Violation: Avoiding eye contact
  • Corrective action: Pretend to care
  • Final status: Emotionally unavailable
  • Please retain for future therapy.
05EMERGENCY CORPORATE RESPONSES

SURVIVAL CARD

Een klein gelamineerd kaartje voor ongewenste meetings en small talk.

  • “Let’s circle back.”
  • “Interesting perspective.”
  • “I’ll take that offline.”
  • “Sorry, I was on mute.”
  • “There seems to be a delay.”
  • “I have another meeting.”
06CERTIFICATE OF CORPORATE EXHAUSTION

NUMBERED CERTIFICATE

This employee has been officially certified tired. Iedere drop wordt genummerd en collectible.

  • Drop: 001
  • Employee issue: 001
  • Unit: 043 / 250
  • Issued: 2026
07PRE-INTERACTION MINT™

CORPORATE MINT

For meetings that should have been emails. Klein, goedkoop en absurd genoeg om te fotograferen.

  • Individually wrapped
  • Status: Unexpectedly fresh
Closed and open off-white Cringe.INC confidential employee mailer boxes with black tissue and purple seal

PACKAGING PROTOCOL / REV. 01

NOT A
LUXURY
BOX.

Een platte off-white verzenddoos die eruitziet als een intern bedrijfsdossier. Zwart vloeipapier. Eén paarse sluitzegel. Geen onnodige glamour.

CRINGE.INC™HUMAN INTERACTION DEPARTMENTCONFIDENTIAL EMPLOYEE MATERIALDO NOT FORWARD TO HR
“UNFORTUNATELY,
YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

RECOMMENDED ROLLOUT

BESTE EERSTE
VERSIE.

  1. 01SHIRT
  2. 02PAPIEREN UNIFORMBAND
  3. 03PLASTIC EMPLOYEE BADGE
  4. 04STICKER SHEET
  5. 05OFFICIAL WRITTEN WARNING
  6. 06PAARSE SLUITSTICKER
  7. 07GENUMMERD CERTIFICAAT

Maximum brand impact. Minimum margin incident.

EMPLOYEE ISSUE #001

READY FOR
ONBOARDING?

VIEW THE UNIFORMS ↗